Two summers ago was my summer with you. I know I don’t mean much to you anymore, but I’ve been thinking about you lately.
Although you hurt me and took me for advantage and caused me to be the way I am now, I love the memories we made. I am neither bitter or hurt by what happened with us, and when I look back on us, I’m happy.
Honestly, you made me feel so alive and I would go through those 9 months with you all over again. I wish we could still be apart of each other’s lives but we are just too different, I suppose.
I hope whenever you look back, that’s if you do, you smile too and are grateful to have had me in your life and got to share this beautiful thing we call love, with me.
I really do hope you’re doing well on your own. I miss you. But hey, when have I not?
I only have dreams of you when I try my hardest to forget you. It’s been months and months of feeling miserable, and although every note I have made to myself lately ends with me saying it would be the last time I’d write about you, here I am writing away again. I always thought every dream I had where you were playing the lead role was a sign, from someone, from somewhere, from something - anything; because anything was always better than, well, nothing.
I used to over think my dreams about you to the point that I believed that the pieces of my heart were invading my mind, even in my sleep, to try to make me hold on a little longer; as if it were a cry for help; a sign from God knows where, to keep on fighting for you. Damn, every fucking fiber in my mind and body fought for you. My own thoughts and emotions went to war with each other.
And the one reason I loved seeing you in my dreams was because I always got to see that smile of yours that lit up my world, as well as knowing you were still there. But this time, it was hostile and didn’t leave me feeling warm. I didn’t see that smile. Not once, but instead heard a harsh and cold tone. It made me see a side of you that I’ve never seen before.
And how every part of me was convincing myself to stay, after I woke up this morning, I can’t think of reasons to not leave.
And yeah, I probably am thinking too deep into this, but I’m glad I am, because I need to be happy again.
Although this saying has been said many times, I have grasped that this concept is quite true. You told me many things that I believed and fell for. You made me feel an emotion that I had never felt before, a kind of happiness that I wanted to be smothered in; the feeling of being loved by someone like you. And you might wonder, “someone like you,” what does that mean? What I mean is that I loved you like no other and to hear the words of you informing me that you loved me as well and more, it was all that I really needed.
But what I did not want to realize was that the words you spoke, vanished into the thin air the moment they left your lips. The words you spoke were like a whisper, defining a mediocre love that I longed for to be true. All I wanted was to hear you say all the things I have always wanted to hear from you, and believe it. So every time I heard those words that I wanted to hear, so tender and warming, I would take a hold of it; as if I had to grasp the words and drag them into my body, into the deep crevices of my mind, before they disappeared into the sheer silence; into a black hole of where all the other words you have failed to proven me ended up.
Whereas the words I held onto before they were gone? I replayed them in my mind so that I, and my heart, would not have to worry that these words too, would vanish so quickly.
I’m done. I’m going to forget how much it hurt and stop acting like I’m okay. I gave you my all every time you left me and then you have the nerve to say I gave up on you. You also still continue to tell me lies, such as telling me you’re still in love with me. I’ve tried too many times and I can’t take it anymore.
I’m going to try my best not to miss you and make it seem like I want to walk away. I’ll pretend that I don’t love you anymore and bury the pain deep down so it disappears somewhere.
It’s the hardest decision I have yet to make, but for once, I’m confident that everything is going to be okay. So I’m letting go, accepting what was, and finally moving on from that chapter in my life.
Tell me that you miss me and that you’re sorry. Explain to me why you chose to hurt me. Tell me all the things you never got the chance or courage to. And also, tell me how you feel now and what you think is too late to tell me.
Last night felt like one of those nights we used to have; conversing during the late hours of the night. We talked about our past and everything just strangely felt like the way they used to be. You sung to me like old times and even remembered my favorite song; you’re the only one that seems to know it.
Reminiscing our past together, looking back on our journey; it was really, in a way, comforting. I’m glad we can still keep in touch and love and care for each other.
What happened, it didn’t go down the right road and it wasn’t supposed to; I’ve began to understand that. In the past, you had many, many chances to fix up your act, but you chose not to do it. And no matter how many times I tell myself it wasn’t my fault; because it really wasn’t; I can’t help but still think it was my fault. What once was, cannot be again.
I don’t want you to give me excuses anymore. If you decide to stay, then stay. But don’t tell me things are going to be the way they used to be; that you’ll try to make things like they once were. I want things to change, to be better.
I remember I used to think that. I wanted to break your heart; grab a hold of it and crush it into pieces with my bare hands; just so you could feel what I felt. I wanted the next person you happened to fall hopelessly in love to do to you what you did to me. I wanted karma to get back at you, like revenge.
And I was hoping if that were to happen to you, you’d open your eyes to the realization of the hurt you drowned me in; the pain and suffering that you caused me. And maybe, just maybe, you’d apologize to me for all your wrong doings. You’d take the time to give me a sincere, heartfelt apology because you finally understand.
Just because there was that one painful heartbreak, it doesn’t mean things won’t get better - things always get better. Yes, it may seem like it’s the end of the world and that you’ll feel sad forever, but trust, you’ll get through it. Don’t think there won’t be another to make you happier than you were, because most likely, there will be someone that treats you and loves you better than you ever dreamed of; someone that will treat you the way you truly deserve.
Cheer up, buttercup. It’ll get better someday and this sadness will go away.